Wednesday, 7 September 2011

How To Tolerate Stick Wielding Humans.

Picture the scene: it’s another cold, murky, wet day. You’re fed up. You fancy a walk. You’re thinking to yourself, 'conditions are far too treacherous to go out unaided'. What you need is a helpful sturdy stick or two that you can use to guide you through the harsh outdoors..
But why stop there? Surely it would be even better if you could take those sticks around with you all the time so that you may exercise a sprightly gait everywhere you go?  

Well, this is exactly what was going on 390 million years ago in the sea.

Then legs happened. 

Four of them at first, but then some of our more thoughtful relatives had a bit of a re-jig and so came the evolution of bipedalism. Turns out, two legs were plenty, and for the first time we were left with hands to reach more fruit in trees, throw hunting spears, text whilst walking, put gloves on, and generally make all the other (shorter) animals our bitches. Exciting times.

And since then, things have been pretty chuffing good for us as a species; we’ve all agreed the system works, we've embraced it with open arms, we’re all happy.  

WHY THEN, every time I leave my house, am I met with this appalling sight?!


Tourists with hiking sticks. It breaks my heart to see such regression. And for those of you who are naively thinking to yourselves, ‘well they're not harming anyone, what’s the big deal?’ Just take a minute for me now and try to imagine a world with Beyonce doing her signature booty shake on four legs..

 Puts it all into perspective doesn’t it?

So visitors, please don’t take this as me being uncaring, but if your legs are so incapable that you are unable to walk around a small village without hurting yourself, that is just nature’s way of telling you, ‘don’t walk around this small village- you’ll hurt yourself’. If you’re still unsure, it’s much the same as when you get too near a fire, and nature helpfully pops up to tell you ‘don’t walk in a fire- you’ll hurt yourself’. Quite simple really; the human body isn’t one for fucking about.  

Obviously there’s also the chance that I’ve completely missed the point, that you’re actually at the peak of physical health and are simply a style maverick on the prowl to promote some fresh new trends. In which case, kudos my friend. Like my dancy companion pictured above, you just go right ahead and work it, and we shall say no more about it. 

But basically if you’ve learnt anything today, it’s this: 

IF your legs do deteriorate into useless husks, it might be time to consider taking up rowing. (And no need to worry that you won’t enjoy it.. you get to use sticks! You friggin love sticks).


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