What You Would Do If You Had Derren Brown's Powers.

Don't lie, we've all thought about it. 

After not that much deliberation, I've decided on a noble and worthwhile cause that, if I had Derren Brown's magical powers of intuition, I would enforce to make the world a more shiny, and generally better place to live (for me anyway). 

But before I astound you with yet another great plan, I'll just explain some of the (maybe more obvious) practices I wouldn't bother using them for:

1) Influencing people. An inefficient use of power; that’s what false eyelashes were invented for.

2) Putting them into a trance. Again, not worth the leg work. Rohypnol is proven to be significantly more effective than traditional hypnosis*. 

 *I am of course joking, don't bother with sedatives. If nothing else, you’ll probably find that your subjects are disappointingly unanimated.. (That is until they wake up, then just try shutting them up- it’s all, ‘boundaries, human rights, you’re a bad friend, I’m calling the police, yadda, yadda...'.  In short: not worth it).

3) Reading their minds. To be honest I’ve found that telling people you studied psychology works well enough. They will assume you’re Yoda, and most likely tell you anything you want to know before you can ‘make’ them.* Besides, I don’t need the headache every time I come into contact with another human face. I assume Derren has an ‘off switch' for everyday functioning; otherwise Russian Roulette would have probably had a very different feel to it. 

*Caution: I have also found telling people you studied biology does not have such a positive outcome.. (Unless you consider them showing you their rash a positive outcome).

 

 Now, I know what you’re thinking (lol), ‘If not those things, then what the bejeezus would you use your powers for, Ginge?’ Well my lovelies, I'm glad you asked. Let me set the scene with a little word picture. 

I give you..

The Pavement Dance.

(Also known as 'the most excruciating 20 seconds of any person’s life').

You know the drill: you’re walking along. A stranger is approaching. Your paths cross. Then they cross again. And again. You laugh. They laugh. You’re caught in a moment of mutual ‘oh what are we like?’. More path crossing. Then, a few seconds into your little impromptu Irish jig, it suddenly dawns on you that you’ve actually got things to do. You’ve still got to get the food shopping in, reply to that email, meet the right person and start a family. This little soirée is all very well and good but you’re not getting any younger. You start to hate the person facing you. They start to hate you too. You pick up on this and realise they’re probably right. You are an awful human being. That's probably why you never quite fitted in with the other children at school, why your mother hasn’t called you this week, why you kicked that homeless man earlier.. You start to hate yourself. And now you’re in an angry circle of hate with a nameless life-ruiner who (quite reasonably) wishes you had never been born. 

Well, since moving to a land where pavements are 10 inches wide and doddering tourists are rife, this is happening to me on a daily basis. And every time it does, I can't help thinking, 'I bet Derren Brown doesn't stand for this shit'.

So that's it really; I'd use my supercalifragilistic mind magic to second guess pedestrians. An excellent plan, I'm sure you'll agree. But, in the unlikely event that that never happens, I'm thinking we all should just learn the Tango.

Xx