How to Win The Apprentice.

I say this like I am a regular viewer..  I’m not. I’ve never watched a full episode. 

BUT during the 20 minutes I have managed to sit though, I couldn’t help noticing the same themes coming up again and again. Clearly then, these hold the key to becoming a success in the business world. So as job hunting is at the forefront of my mind right now, I have taken the time to construct a fool proof, master plan that would give Lord Sugar (top marks to the Queen for finally promoting him to full blown pimp) a run for his money.  Want to hear it? Of course you do. 

OK, future Business Moguls..

- First things first, you’ll need a suit -

Some pointers on the suit: Your suit should be a simple shade such as black or navy. If you can get hold of a nice ‘slate grey’ that is absolute perfection. Nothing says ‘tough yet adaptable’ like slate. Rule of thumb: If they’re picturing you as a metamorphic rock, they’re picturing you as a professional. And while it may be bought from any ordinary retailer, from now on your ‘suit’ should be known as a ‘Business Suit’. Otherwise how in God’s name will people know what you do? It’s all about context.  

- Secondly, you’ll need a Business Plan - 

This sounds much more intimidating than it actually is. You don’t really need a plan, plans are for losers living in the future. You’re a winner, you live in the present. No, you really just need to sound like you have a plan. In fact, the more incomplete your plan, the better (this will become clearer during the interview stage). 

To make your plan, first construct any sequence of events of your choosing. Next, put your sequence into the simple future tense; ‘I will..’, ‘this will..’ etc. In Business, the simple future tense is preferable to a present continuous tense (‘I am going to’). The latter suggests good intentions (the essence of failures), whereas ‘I will’ demonstrates certainty, that you have absolute control over future events. Managers are always looking to recruit Time Lords. Finally, pimp your plan by adding the word ‘business’ before every noun and pronoun. As with the previous suit scenario, this is what sets apart a 'plan for plebs' from a ‘Business Plan’. 

Got all that? Excellent news. 

- Now to the interview -

Right listen up, this is where most people fall down because they fail to recognise the true purpose of the interview. Here, it appears that it’s up to you to prove yourself, but this is nonsense. You’re already in. The interview is actually an initiation activity. Yes, it’s scary and soul destroying, but don’t worry, you’re dressed as a roof tile and you can see the future- they’re putty in your hands. All you need to do here is sit and take everything they throw at you.  

Though the exact details will vary, there is a basic structure common to all Apprentice interviews that you can look out for. They tend to go a little like this: 

(1. An intimidating introduction) ‘Hello applicant. I am a well respected business man from the world of business’. (2. A stressful back story) ‘Getting to the top took years of dog eat dog, ruthless, every man for himself etc etc...’ (3. A nice bit of irony) ‘But you! You are vague, clichéd, and hopelessly under researched in my business’. (4. Some dream killing) ‘You are bad for business. Business will only ever be a distant dream to you’. (5. Closing the interview with a final reminder of their importance) ‘Now kindly get out of my office, I’ve got a business to run’. 

Like I said, ride it out. The mistake most make here is trying to answer back. Don’t do that. Never in the history of The Apprentice has a winning comeback ever occurred. Looking blank and bewildered on the other hand, tells them you’re playing along with the ruse and are on their wavelength; that you’re a team player. 

- You're hired! -

Congratulations, you’re in. Now to start climbing that ladder of success. Managers value gutsy employees who take risks, so this is essential if you are to stand out from the crowd. But before you get too excited, you will ONLY ever hear praise uttered following a risk that has paid off. If your risk is unsuccessful then you will be forever regarded as a reckless prick. Not to worry, here’s where it becomes all about statistics. All you need under your belt are a few activities that appear highly vicarious to an outsider, but that you know carry a negligible fuck up rate. (Tip: team these with your simple future tense and you’re a god amongst men). 

Some examples to get you started: Tight rope walking, swimming with sharks, going out in a thunderstorm, taking a call in a petrol station, eating a raw egg, standing next to a microwave.  

- Maintaining the ruse -

Well you’ve made it. You've won the style stakes, risked your own life and outrun time itself to get to this final stage. You should now be aware that, as a leading figure, it is your responsibility to keep the 'exclusivity' of the Business World alive. Managers achieve this in four ways: 

1) Shroud any indication of your actual job description with derivations of the word 'business'. This ensures no outsider will ever fully understand what you do, nor will they ask.
2) Instead of Tupperware, start bringing your packed lunches to work in a briefcase. Never disclose/discuss the contents of your lunch. From now on your lunch is 'strictly confidential'. 
3) Meet for daily lunch parties with other briefcase carriers. Refer to these as 'conferences' and hold them in private rooms. 
4) Set the alarm on your Blackberry to go off every 40 seconds. This way you will always appear in demand, and in the unlikely event that a commoner does ask about your work, you will not have to stall for very long.

..And that's it! There's nothing left for you to do now but sit smugly in your shiny new office and get working on that aneurysm. 
 
Good luck out there Scamps! Live the dream Xx