Thursday, 11 August 2011

How To Use Tools When You've Never Used Tools.

There comes a time in every person's life when they must use tools. My first time was a few days ago when, alone, vulnerable, and innocently unpacking some books, I was confronted by a complex and devastating problem.. the books are too tall for the shelves. Nnfhjgffytdjsibndjfgkdhggggggggggggggg!!

Now if I were my mum, this would be no issue. I’d have adjusted those shelves to within an inch of their life, then unpacked, alphabetised and cross referenced the books, and moved on to my next superhero deed of the day, all before any other mere human being could even point to a bookcase. However, due to a hugely unfair genetic oversight, I’m not my mum; I am a mere human being. Thus, when common sense said, ‘you’re 21 years old. You’ve lived away from home for 3 years. You’d have to be missing both hands to stand ANY chance of making this difficult’, my (mere human) brain decided that common sense was a dick, and needed to be taken down a peg or two.

Anyway after a dramatic saga involving much physical strength, mental stamina and a cup of tea, the deed was done. And being the giver that I am, I decided to document my experience in a handy 10 step guide to ensure that other mere human, first time tool users never find themselves in similar peril.

So! Without further ado..

Ginge’s Easy Peasy Ten Step Guide to Tools for the Mere Human First Time Tool User:
  1. Try to complete task without tools.
  2. Realise you’re not better than tools. Go to toolbox.
  3. Struggle to open toolbox, remember you’re kneeling on top of toolbox, get off toolbox.
  4. Find hammer.
  5. Take hammer back to task site. Wonder if you’re grown up enough to be trusted with hammer unsupervised. Feels as though hammer is taking you back to task site.
  6. Put hammer down for two seconds to re-familiarise yourself with task in hand. Lose hammer.
  7. Find the largest Harry Potter book you own. (Yeah that’s right hammer, consider yourself replaced).
  8. Complete task with book (and aplomb).
  9. Stand back, admire your handiwork.
  10. Be glad no-one was around to mistake you for the missing link just then.

Keep it with you, treasure it, stay safe. Xx

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